how bad? it’s stick-your-head-in-an-oven bad
Friend Skot, talking about the worst rock songs ever:
The Doors? Eternally committed to vinyl is “The End,” possibly the most hilarious example of unfortunate undergraduate prose ever committed to posterity. “I WANT TO KILL YOU!” Hey, that’s interesting! I want to laugh at you! I like to imagine listening to this song with Sylvia Plath, and I imagine her going, “Jeez, what a tool. I want to live!” Then I play her the song again. “Scratch that, I’ll die.”
I want to say that the worst song ever is Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On but my hatred of it is of course exacerbated by the fact that it was heavily overplayed for months and months after anyone alive could possibly bear to listen to it without wanting to stab their eardrums with freshly sharpened pencils again and again. Overplaying is also why I cannot stand any version of Unchained Melody, even though the only real offender is the version from Ghost; one of my favorite singers does a beautiful Unchained Melody on her new cd and I love her more for it, but I leave it unchecked on iTunes anyway lest it give me an unpleasant Righteous Brothers earworm.
That said, off the top of my head, here are three songs that make me want to die:
- Loving You, Minnie Ripperton
- Seasons in the Sun, Terry Jacks
- Butterfly Kisses, Bob Carlisle
What are your oven-stuffing three?
Oh Em Gee I love Butterfly Kisses. Besides the obviously incestuous overtones of the lyrics, it’s from that rarified collection of songs that were written merely to collect royalties from being played at wedding receptions. An evil, twisted bunch those tracks are.
Seasons in the Sun benefits, of course, from having a series of Truck Driver’s Gear Changes liberally ladled on the end of the song. It’s like a tune that’s been basted in key change gravy. Delicious! But no match for Butterfly Kisses.
Minnie Ripperton can do no wrong, of course. But given that I’m supposed to leave three songs of my own, I’ll try to list three songs that I love that evoke the same feelings as your three:
* Tonight is the Night, Betty Wright:
Another hive-inducingly creepy song that’s supposed to be about romance and devotion but is actually about a woman that nobody would actually sleep with. Quite sample-worthy, though.
* Cat’s in the Cradle, Harry Chapin:
Similar to Seasons in the Sun in that it’s deliberately supposed to be about coming of age and the cyclical nature of human life, but actualy induces the desire to die before the cycle can repeat.
* Jesse, Joshua Kadison:
I have no words to articulate how bad this song is. It’s trying to be an Elton John ballad, but it ends up as appealing as Elton John’s wardrobe. I have a mental link between this song and Butterfly Kisses, and I don’t know why. I blame Moses the cat.
instead of song i have artists:
creed
john mayer
jennifer love hewitt
the songs that make me want to kill myself
From Lia: Her three stick-your-head-in-an-oven bad songs. Hmmm… sounds like an internet meme to me! (I’ve try to stay away from the obvious, cliched songs: Therefore I will not be writing about the songs that immediately came to mind: “Tubthumping”…
Neil Diamond: Cracklin’ Rose
the only way this song could be cool is if kellog’s adopted it for the jingle for Cracklin’ Oat Bran commercials. I’m envisioning a mid-50s woman in a bathrobe with “Rose” embroidered on the breast and shower cap singing along while happily munching a bowl of those unholy bran O’s.
Ric-a-Che: Coo Coo Chee
This song needs to be left in a Dumpster in a back alley somewhere. NOT ONLT does it have the annoying Kanye West pitched-up vinyl sample, but it also features a man spitting misogynistic raps over a woman singing about her crotch. Guh.
Lil Jon: Get Low
Okay, seriously, we don’t want to hear about the window or the wall. If you can’t make a club track without those damn horns going “wonk wonk wonk” (Usher: Yeah, Petey Pablo: Freek-a-Leek, Ying Yang Twinz: whole album) in the back, you NEED to stop with the career aspirations, because in 2 years or less, you’ll be over.
Kill me now
A new meme, “songs that make me want to kill myself” is doing the rounds (Via Ernie who got it from Lia). So I thought I’d share some of the songs I hate with a passion.
Moonshadow – Cat Stevens
Yes, I’m bein’ followed by a mo…
1. “All Out of Love” by Air Supply
2. “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg
3. anything by the Grateful Dead
Boys of Summer, Don Henley
I will always love you, Whitney Houston
I write the songs, Barry Manilow
Y.M.C.Fucking.A.
The M*c*r*n*
and anything by Ricky Martin.
I just thought of another song that makes me want to die: Eddie Murphy’s Party All The Time. I get this stuck in my head all the time. I hate this song so fucking much that if I ever see Charlie Murphy in person, much as I love True Confessions, I will punch him in the gut just for being Eddie Murphy’s brother.
Anil, you bastard, I finally went and listened to Jesse. I knew I would regret it as soon as I heard the choppy sappy piano intro — it sort of sounds like Marc Cohn’s Walking in Memphis only gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I have a mental link between this song and Butterfly Kisses, and I don’t know why.
Because, like Butterfly Kisses, it makes you want to kill yourself? RIGHT NOW? As I think any song that mentions “a little trailer by the sea” as something to aspire to would. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, you bastard. Thanks a lot.
yi, I would wholeheartedly agree with you about Creed except that if they had never existed, we wouldn’t have Dolly Parton’s brilliant cover of Shine. That said, if Scott Stapp never surfaces again — Why do I even know his name? Oh yeah, Celebrity Poker Showdown. — my life will be better for it. John Mayer I can just keep ignoring the way I did when he first burst onto the scene and called himself Dave Matthews, and Jennifer Love Hewitt is always good for a little schadenfreude. The video for Barenaked in which she doesn’t actually get anywhere near barenaked is the pop answer to Alanis Morisette’s not actually knowing the meaning of irony in Ironic.
iLLa, I am happy to say I don’t know any of those songs, although you make Coo Coo Chee sound so nasty I am tempted to track it down.
smich, just thinking about All Out of Love makes me want to die too. Congratulations.
Matt, I would contest Boys of Summer only I know you have a personal reason for hating it so much. I think I Will Always Love You obviously falls into the same category as My Heart Will Go On and Unchained Melody (Vastly Overplayed Soundtrack Songs) and as such is exempt. I Write The Songs is bad, I will give you that, but shouldn’t Barry Manilow get a pass for the wonder that is Copacabana? Come ON, man.
Chuck, I love the Village People but I will give you the latter two. Heck, I’ll be generous and throw in every song Ricky Martin recorded when he was in Menudo.
But I’ve Got an Electric Oven
Ernie is perpetuating the meme, and who am I to resist? Three songs that are stick-your-head-in-the-oven-bad: “Red Red Wine”, by
Mr. Roboto (Styx really is the way to Hell)
Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi (“With an ironclad fist I wake up and French kiss the morning”? Jesus, they should be put in prison for lyrics like that. Go look up Bon Jovi lyrics. It’s amazing.)
Windmills of My Mind (the version on the original Thomas Crown Affair. Head in the oven is too slow for this song.)
We Built This City, Starship.
For some reason I really liked this song when I was a kid. From this I deduce that I was a really stupid kid.
I feel like I’m picking low-hanging fruit here, but there is no denying the amount of pain the following songs cause me:
1. Figured You Out by Nickelback
I had to google the opening lines of this to find the name of this song out. I’ve almost crashed my car while hurrying to change the radio station to avoid listening to this song. I could probably put together a list of 3 Nickelback songs for this, but I figure I should have a little more variety.
2. Control by Puddle of Mudd
3. Bring Me to Life by Evanescence
The Lil’ Jon song is a great suggestion too. I really don’t need to hear another song by him or produced by him ever again.
three artists, yes:
1. air supply
2. jose mari chan
3. britney spears
somebody hand me a kitchen knife!
Hmm, Lemme think….
My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
Hit Me Baby One More Time – Britney
She’s Like the Wind – Patrick Swayze
It’s not so much The Villiage People as it’s the fact that I’ve heard that song enough times to last me about seventeen million lifetimes. NO MORE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE!!
Stevie Wonder- I Just Called (To Say I Love You)
Can’t think of any others that equal the suckitude of that one song.
Lately I’m really hating “More Than Words” by Extreme because every time I go shopping, it’s playing on the p.a. system. Goddam fake-wimpy acoustic guitars. Arrgh. My other two would be “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles and “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg.
I can’t believe that you left off Afternoon Delight. Just thingking about it makes me want to drill a hole in mhy skull to let out the evil spirits.
andrew, Windmills of My Mind. Yes! Disgusting!
Jesus, they should be put in prison for lyrics like that.
True, but hey, forget the lyrics — I’d send them away for their stupid big hair and denim jackets. UGH.
mike, I have to confess I kind of like We Built This City. I was twelve or thirteen though before I was sure that Starship’s singer was a biological female and not a gender-bender like Boy George.
Drew, low-hanging fruit indeed!
malatemail, you remind me that I have a half-written post somewhere about how much I hate Jose Mari Chan. Let me hunt it down and work on it some more…
Ekajati, I hate that song too but I always get a kick out of how metallic and nasal his voice sounds at the start. If you have no choice but to listen to it (i.e. you’re stuck in an elevator or waiting for an operator to answer your call) it’s easier to tolerate if you imagine Eddie Murphy doing his Stevie Wonder impression.
Matt, fake-wimpy acoustic guitars are awful in any context, but the real reason to hate Extreme is that they were anything but. Shit, I could’ve beaten that entire band up by myself and I was a scrawny teen when More Than Words came out.
Ken, how can you not love Afternoon Delight? get a kick out of imagining all the prudish suburban moms singing along to it not realizing how totally dirrrty it was.
Speaking of…
… songs that make you want to stick your head in an oven, here are three off the top of my head: 1. Some song about being perfect, by A Simple Plan (I think) I can’t be bothered to look…
Only three? The three that spring to mind are anything by:
1. Robbie Williams (Slow, dumb, derivative)
2. Moby (Slow, dull, repetitive)
3. Madonna (Dull, maudlin, marketed)
plus all hair-metal; nu-metal; what passes for Rhythm & Blues these days; anyone called a ‘diva’ with less than a thirty-year body of work to show for it; Phil Collins; most country; US indie bands who think they have to sing for every second during a song; I could go on and on.
Track-splat three
From cheesedip.com, via Jen, three songs that make me want to jump in front of a moving train. Santeria, Sublime “If I could find that heina and that sancho that she’d found Well I’d pop a cap in sancho and…
i hate this site because you said that my heart will go on by celine dion is the worst song ever guess what YOU ARE TOTTALLY RONG!!!!!!!!!! because that song is the saddest song ever but its my favorite you are SUCCERS!
My Heart Will Go On is the saddest song ever only because people listen to it and feel all weepy remembering that crappy stupid scene in the biggest crapfest Hollywood ever produced, aka Titanic.
That being said, I have three songs that top the crap charts:
1) The Girl is Mine by Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. Yes, this is picking low-hanging fruit, but come on. Both of these ‘artists’ have been on a nose-dive into idiocy. “The girl is mine/the doggone girl is mine.” The image of Paul McCartney (who deserves life imprisonment for everything he has done since the Beatles) arguing with Jacko over some mythical ‘girl’ is almost bizarre enough to qualify for some sort of post-post-modern performance art. But in the end it simply reads as pretty much the worst of the worst.
2) This Kiss by Faith Hill – Whenever I hear the cloying refrain “this kiss, this kiss” I want to take an escargot fork and puncture both of my eardrums. Why, why, why, why, WHY did this song become popular?
3) Woo Hoo by the Rocketeens. This is that INCREDIBLY STUPID, TUNELESS AND ANNOYING song that accompanies the Vonage commercials. You know, ‘people do stupid things.’ This song is not only aggressively moronic but it is the kind of stupid that worms its way into your brain and shakes it like a dog worrying a rat. The people who wrote and recorded the song should be slapped with stiff penalties. But the main offenders are Vonage and Quentin Tarantino (the same song is featured in Kill Bill) for bringing this pile of bloody dog crap back into the public ear.
Minnie Riperton “Loving You” has always had that chalkboard quality feel to it. As bad as it is, I can give you at least three that are worse.
The most horriblest song ever to hit the vinyl has got to be “Total eclipse of the heart”, Bonnie Tyler. Turn around bright eyes, turn around.
The notorious Barelymanenough topped “I butcher the songs” with his smashed hit “Copa Cabana”. Just listen to the interlude vocals.
Kim Carnes should have sang “Froggy went acourtin’
on the flip side of her flop “betty davis eyes” with a voice like that.
Kenny Rogers gambled and lost when he teamed up with the dually-faceted Dolly for “islands in the stream” Lets hope those islands were washed away by hurricane Katrina!!
Eddie Grant?
4 minutes of 3 note repetition about makin love in the early morn is almost enough to make me want to be celibate just to distance myself from this song. I don’t even know the name of it, but I’m guessing “Makin love in the early morn”, since it is the only lyric in the song.